Sunday, October 26, 2014

Happy Birthday, Darling.

I will never forget the night I fell in love with my son. I think, when you're pregnant, you fall in love with the idea of a baby, but then they arrive & you realize how foreign they are to you.

I remember feeling a little guilty in our emergency situation when he was whisked away from me & I arrived to the hospital hours later to be told I could hold him if I waited an hour or two, and instead, I fell asleep and didn't hold him until mid morning the next day.

I'll never forget late the second night when the nurse came in and tapped me gently that the baby seemed to want me because he was fussing.

They pulled a rocker up to his NICU cradle & I scooped him up, IV's dangling from his frail little body, and I realized he needed me. It felt so strange and wonderful to be needed by a little being so delicate and helpless. I sang to him and rocked him, overcome with a surge of maternal instincts.

And I fell deeply in love.

It's been two years since his birth, and I am astounded at his growth and development. 

That tiny, helpless babe now calls me "Krisann" and sings countless songs and holds conversation with me. I mean, he even has his own interests & preferences (he adores Jack Johnson music & basketball & football & drumming).

Today, on his second birthday, I am both completely infatuated with the idea of watching him grow & continue to develop his self- awareness & also mourning the loss of that helpless babe I only held so briefly.

There is only one emotion that is complete in this moment- I am deeply proud to be his mother.

So here's to you sweet (and feisty) Ezra. I love that you've inherited my love for reading & your father's love of music. I may never cut your hair because those curls melt my momma heart & I may continue to take 10,000 pictures of you a day because you are such a beautiful creation to me. May you develop into a man strong in love, mercy, & compassion, with integrity & a God-centered moral compass to guide you. May you never, ever forget all the people who love you & may you return their love.

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